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Swiss Toni's guide to PEN

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If you aren't a fan of The Fast Show's humour (yes our American friends reading this... there's a "u" in humour ;) ) then this article may be lost on you... 

Buying a player is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First, you've got to look at the market, find out who's available. Assess your options. Look for someone you like. Check out their age, see what positions they are comfortable in. Try them out, see if they fit in. Look at their stamina, see how long they can last. Find out how good they are at finishing. Don't be afraid to haggle, to try and pay a little less. Once the deal is posted, jump right in there and seal the deal.

The PEN radio show is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

It doesn't happen often, but it's always fun when it comes around. It's always noisy, with a lot of things to get through in a short space of time. It leaves you wanting more when it's over.

Swiss Toni from The Fast Show

Bidding on a FAF is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to want them. Decide how deep you are willing to go. Make your bid. Be patient, you might have to wait a while before the outcome. Only then, will you find out if it has been a success.

The Goal of the month competition is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to score. Film it. Make sure it's a good one. Let everyone see it, let them decide how good it was. If you score well, you might get paid.

The days of car salesmen like Swiss Toni were over even when we first came up with him. It was all a bit out of date from the beginning, which was kind of the point, really. People are less easily bamboozled these days

Playing a league game is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to arrange a date and time. Let the other person know you are available. Sometimes you have to wait on them for the go ahead. Once you get that, you've got to turn up on time. Then you can invite the other person into the room, and get it done. Then you have to let everyone know the result.

Bidding late on an auction is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to make sure you have enough money. You don't want to go too early. If you leave it too late, you'll end up with nothing. If you time it right, you can get the money shot and you end up the winner

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