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Monday, 28 March 2016 15:44

The Prodigal Son Returns

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On a cold Thursday morning in March, a handsome, large lobed man entered the Stadio Olimpico in Italy's capital, scratching his well groomed beard and casting a look of satisfaction upon the Reception staff. At the desk he stopped, placed his hands on his hips and surveyed his surroundings. After a short pause he looked at the lady at the desk and said "Panda Hakan ev söyle" which translated in English simply means, 'Tell the Panda, Hakan is home.'
 
After 6 months missing in the wilderness with no clue as to his whereabouts, Hakan Calhanoglu finally came back to Rome looking to make up for his two season long absence. Many would think that after such a long break from the game that he would be out of shape and rusty on the field but after just a few friendlies that preconception couldn't be further from the truth, in fact, he looks in better shape than ever. It's even been reported that back up goalkeeper Pegolo walked out of a training session after being forced to stand in goal while Hakan fired rocket after rocket, bending and swerving like a drunk paraplegic towards goal.
 
Although we know next to nothing of his recent stint on the AWOL list, sources close to Hakan say he spent a few months on top of a frozen desolate hill deep in the Kacker Mountains practising free-kick after free-kick until his place kicking stats were the best on PEN. Some say he didn't allow himself to eat, drink or masturbate until he hit a can 40 yards away  blowing in the wind, hung from a tree and attached with a piece of cotton 100 times in a row without missing. Madness you may think, but here are the rewards of such dedication:
 
Main Strengths:
Place Kicking 93
Finishing 82
Ball Control 80
Dribbling 79
Explosive Power 79
Speed 78
Kicking Power 78
Lofted Pass 78
Low Pass 77
Attacking Prowess 77
 
Hakan was also gifted by the great Buddhist monk of the mountains with Pinpoint crossing, Long range drive and the infamous Knuckle-shot traits. It's easy to see why the whole of Rome were in complete rapture at the news of his return. The Italians face a huge challenge next season trying to compete with the very best in the Xbox Premiership and with their prized number 10 back in the ranks expectations will be as high as Wheresmark.
 

The arrival of Hakan has also sparked major improvements in the rest of the squad, Daley Blind, performing well was also gifted with weighted pass, cut behind and turn and build up playing style. New signing Michy Batshuayi went on week long cruise with Gok Wan and came back looking sexier than Megan Fox wearing imaginary underwear. Even old man Mexes received a boost from the Turks arrival. Alexander Panderini has not been seen without a huge grin and spring in his step since Thursday morning. Speaking to press he had the following to say:
 
"Yes, of course we are looking down on the moon with Hakans return, he is and always was one of our best players so it can only be good yes. Next season in the prem we are, how you say, underdogs, but with Hakan and the rest of the quality in this squad, champions league, super cup, premiership title. yes, they are all how you say, very possible."
 
Calhanoglu has gone straight into the starting line up, on the right side of an attacking midfield trident along with Adem Ljajic and Remy Cabella. The 'mosh pit' is back and in full effect, already upsetting certain dancing queens in friendlies, although it appears the Panda gives minimal f**ks.
 
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Read 758 times Last modified on Monday, 28 March 2016 23:06