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Thursday, 05 May 2016 17:53

PS4 Premiership Season 9 Preview

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PS4 Premiership Preview

The Favourites

Big Boss - "110001010111000110"

He won season 8 by a landslide, his team has only got better since he mopped up the deadline day auctions. Surely the favourite for the league if his formidable form continues. The master of consistency, unflappable, some might even say unhuman? Barring a Super Jam scenario where his talent is stolen by evil toons, this freak of nature will no doubt be amongst the big boys come end of the season.

Goat261 - "You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take"

Always in and around the title race, dominates fixtures like he's Christian Grey, but with the grace and manners of Winnie the Pooh. The sole manual player in the division which will only make his victory more sweet. Normally sneaks up from the rear with lots of games in hand to keep competition unaware, but I'm calling you out mate, we know your game, you aren't fooling anyone. So definitely one to look out for, however with Keegan like tendencies, a 34 game season might be test his lack of consistency too much.

Gregmeister - "It's all about Donaldson man, he's a weapon, the script is unbelievable like"

T total PEN veteran Greg, with his team of Sunday leaguers have a reputation for grabbing the opposition by the balls while he eats his Indian takeaway off their wife's back (if you know what I mean). Expect goals in every game, one of the top scorers in the division he champions an attacking philosophy. His never say never attitude will serve him well, and earn him some crucial last minute points. However with another bod deal under his bealt there is even less quality in his team now, can his team of bronze balls really compete against Gundogan and De Bruyne? Colour me unconvinced.

Mancan - "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."

Joining the PS4 set up last season he took D1 by storm, not only winning it but embarrassing everyone involved, causing Rambo to shame eat so much he gained 12 stone (a promising long distance runner till then, such a shame). I put him amongst the favourites then, with his dominant possession playing style, with Dos Santos and Iturbe providing the outlets, cutting inside and causing havoc. But we've seen someone come up in such a fashion before and flounder, after being promoted in a similar vein Clarkof had a mediocre 1st campaign in the top flight, followed up with relegation last term. So was Mancan just a big fish or is he tuna enough to battle with the whales.

Roberto Larcos - "I'm gonna fuck you all"

PEN badboy will not have a good word to say about anyone down the mic, goading you about your mother in vicious underhanded attempts to gain advantage he is one to watch out for, not just in the league but for your own safety. Struggling to keep up with his dizzy heights of a few seasons ago since his team of supers have dispanded, he is still very competitive and like Goat will bring up the rear with a late surge.


The Rest

Bluebird - "Mmmm Giroud *fapfapfap*"

After an exciting promotion through the playoffs, Bluebird will have some great momentum coming into the new season. Not new to the premiership he will have a good understanding of the other teams on show. A strong start to the season 6, winning his 1st 10 matches put him in contention for the title, however he went into admin, lost giroud and ended up finishing 6th. Giroud is back now, his team is healthy, a definite giant killer this one. Expect mid table obscurity.

Chucka - "My tears are responsible for 2 inches of the worlds rising sea level"

PENs resident whinger. Beat him at your own risk, people have been known to mute him during fixtures for some relief from his whining voice. However he is a very strong player, he will be among the top scoring teams in the division and is likely to be a top half team with an outside chance of challenging for the title. His lack of soul will help him use his off the scale sweaty tactics to crush teams in two.

DjTruckstop76 - "Hey guys, nice to meet you"

The only newbie joining the premiership this season after crushing the reserve league. He had Big Boss' stamp of approval and was put straight into the prem. An unknown quantity to many, he will cause a few surprises. Plays nice football, attacks and defends efficiently, not afraid to knock a ball into the box. Watch out lads, he could do well.

Dortaboy - "Pirlo to Mendonca, back to Pirl-, ah sheesh they've gone awol"

I think it's fair to say Dorta made a surprising run for the title in season 8. A perpetual underperformer most seasons, but managed to change his spots last time out to give Big Boss an early chase. However a lack of conviction towards the end of the season left Dorta tailing off, but he will still be chuffed with a 2nd place finish and will no doubt be looking to be amongst it this season.  Expect to see Pirlo freekicks feature in GOTM most months.

Karlos-7 - "Maybe they should call me Karlos 3.3 as that's my average goal tally per game"

Top scorers in the division, 98 goals, only failing to score thrice. Yet he finished just 1 place above relegation, conceding 108 goals, also the most in the division. Great for the neutrals. With huge attacking intent, he will bring the game to anyone and force you into an open end to end affair, not an easy game.

Mukremin-40 - "I won the league once you know"

Forgotten but not gone. Muk attacks with pace, uses the wings, won't let you settle and hits you where it hurts. He is the epitome of a form team, and as he plays his fixtures as soon as they come out you will see him rollercoaster up and down the table with 5 games played extra than the rest. Where he will end up this season? couldn't call it mate.

ParrishJ - "I will win the league"

Going into my 5th season in PEN I am looking forward to taking my 1st title. Missing out narrowly in 3rd place in my 1st 2 seasons is the closest I've got so far. The last 2 seasons have been disappointing, with a couple of patches of terrible form costing me. Last season a mid-season performance of just 1 win in 14 games led me right down the bottom end till 8 wins in 10 saved some pride. However with a new brand a strong team, I am feeling good.

Seanachais - "have you tried turning it off and on again?"

One of those dickheads who had free wages last season. His team of superhuman weren't enough to take the glory though. He will be looking to prove a point this time round, that he can do well without that team too. A talentless phoney or actually a quite good player who probably should have done better last season.. it's not long till we find out.

Sham_v99 - "I am just happy to be involved"

Unlike a post by Sham_v99 i'll keep this one short and sweet. Scores a lot of headers, talks a lot of crap.

Slicklu - "Sometimes I forget speed isn't the only stat"

The ultimate Yo-yo side, can't make up its mind where it wants to be. Slick came up in an automatic promotion spot from a strong D1 and will feel confident that Sanchez and co can make a big impact at the top level too. Plays, with pace, pressure, and skill. No one goes there for a walk in the park. Expect some giant killings.

Spragga - "at the end of the day, when all is said and done.. maybe I did regret going over to xbox"

He's back! After missing out on the Xbox title to some defaulted fixes he will feel aggrieved and up for the challenge this term. However everyone knows PS4 is a completely different challenge to the holiday he just had over in Xbox. Imagine it like Xbox is the SPL and PS4 is like the BPL. I guess with Spragga and Zola coming over will be as close as we can to discover how Celtic and Rangers would do if they were dumped in the English system.

Venom984 - "Looking forward for some chill games this season"

Intense. Expect lots of goals at both ends from the previous ex-Prem champion. Always up for a game, will take no prisoners and challenge Chucka and Karlos for the most goals in the league this season. Interested to see how he'll do after a woeful finish last time he was in the prem.

Wheresmark - "asdsjajnajfsmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

Will be lucky if he makes it till the end of the season, wreck of a man. Might trade in his controller for a 6 pack of calpol, so his biggest challenge will be to control his eratic behaviour off the pitch. So with this in mind my prediction is DNF.


In summary it's gonna be a flippin' tough league guys, I think most teams think they will be in the mix and it simply can't be true. I can't wait - good luck everyone!

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