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Wednesday, 17 May 2017 15:04

FAF'ing Around!

Written by Sunzibad

Following the completion of over 170 transfers within a frenzied 24 hours of the Season 11, Post-Reset, Transfer Window opening,  wide-eyed, weary PEN junkies could be forgiven for seeking a calmer Friday morning browsing the forum over their cornflakes, but the establishment had other ideas... It was time to inject – it was time to introduce the FAFs!

What the f*ck is a FAF, you ask? Where the f*ck have you been hiding, the jungle? A FAF my friends is a team-building spanner – a spanner that will undo the very nuts and bolts of the team you have lovingly built. A FAF my friends is the accountant’s worst nightmare, the yellow brick road to nowhere – the risk without the reward, the reason the place goes into meltdown, despite knowing all of the above... Each. And. Every. Time.


That’s right my friends: Free Agent Friday (FAF)... Auctions contested by managers for the right to own the tastiest players being introduced in to the PEN Leagues.

As usual, tight-lipped VIP members previewed the pixels – before proceeding to take apart their teams to raise cash; can you blame them? Headlining the Auctions was none other than the Colombian hitman Luis Muriel; they say a picture is worth a thousand words but this Muriel left managers speechless when Slicklu splurged a monumental 57M to secure the striker’s services - the highest transfer fee to date! Incredible!

Krul intentions: Kitchengun signalled his intent with a 40M bid for the Dutch Keeper.


Elsewhere, Tim Krul, the League’s highest rated player, would go on to fetch 40M from Watford manager Kitchengun whilst Flannyboy added to his youth dynasty by aquiring Man City’s promising Jason Denayer.

Rarely does a manager walk away from Auction without the ring-tingling sensation of being fisted, however, Sami3lungs might just have managed to escape with his dignity intact. On the face of it,  a combined outlay of just less than 100M suggests otherwise but at an average of 33M each, the arrival of monstrous midfield pairing Alfred N’Diaye – complete with a whopping 96 Body Balance stat – and Nabil Bentaleb in addition to Adam Bogdan looks like good business from the experienced manager.

Another to have seemingly snared a bargain was MickyJustice, coming away with Liverpool’s Divock Origi for a paltry 38M – a sum he has probably never sold as low for on the open market before.

Wrapping up the winners was Cullen’s 35M purchase of Heerenveen wide-man Sam Larsson whilst new manager d-a-BAT’s first foray at a FAF ended with the successful capture of Chelsea’s in form Victor Moses. Welcome to PEN d-a-BAT!

Victor! d-a_BAT won Moses for 31M!


Barter Banter!

As the gavel came down and the players signed agreements with their new clubs, our correspondent caught up with some of the winners and losers to get the inside scoop on the method behind the madness! This is Barter Banter baby!

It was clear from the outset that Sami3Lungs and Slicklu would prove to be the key battle as both had positioned themselves to make late assaults on the Auctions - but for Slick it was always about one man, as he recounts:

Slicklu: “I've had a long history with Muriel. Everyone knows he is the love of my PES life”.

Slicklu: “I pretty much sold all of my valuable players (Defrel, Laxalt, Boga) to make sure I had enough cash to put a good bid in”.

All the while, the wily Sami3lungs was well aware of Slick’s Colombian crush and factored it in to his own auction strategy which centred on N’Diaye:

Sami3lungs: “Thinking was simple – I prefer the higher rated defensive players and favour the defensive side of the game”. 

Sami3lungs: “Only Slick could challenge me and although I only pipped N’Diaye by 500k, Slick’s eggs were always in Muriel's basket” .

Only his eggs, Sami? Eggs and Balls, if you ask us! But Slick had more than one eye on the N’Diaye situation as he recalls:

Slicklu: “I really wanted BOTH Muriel and N'Diaye so I had to spend some time deciding how much I would need to bid to put me in a position to win both. I ended up bidding 57M on Muriel and 48.5M on N'Diaye”.

As Sami says: “You pay your money and take your chance” but he’d be lying if the chance to double-cross Slick hadn’t crossed his mind:

Sami3lungs: "I was going to shank Slick, the Jedi master sniper, for Muriel given his ill gains last-second sniping other members over the years but that would make me as evil as him”.

Well, what do you know? You inadvertently achieved the desired effect Sami:

Slicklu: “I sort of knew I was going to land Muriel for 57M” says Slick, “but I wasn't sure I would get N'Diaye. I was gutted when I found out I only lost out on N'Diaye by 500K - it hurt... badly... more so because I had overpaid for Muriel by about 17m (the 2nd highest bid was 40.7m)”.

It can’t hurt that bad Slick – you’ve only won Luis Muriel!

Slick moves - Muriel fetched a massive 57M


Elsewhere, new to PEN, d-a-BAT ushered Victor Moses past the press cordon but took a moment to share his glee:

"At first I wanted to take it easy and not spend my PENce in one place - but when Friday came I felt a itch in my left nut (I scratched it and it was all good) - I had a urge to take a shot at the auctions”.

“I increased my bid to 31M with 15 minutes to deadline knowing I was pricing others out of the auction for Moses”.

"I was also in danger that someone would do the same to me as I only had 4m more and was expecting a last second snipe”.

"I was switching between the 3 tabs on my PC pressing refresh and was ready to pull the trigger if needed. It was almost 10pm and the notifications started to come".

“What is going on? It was Big Boss and Sami sniping.”

“Refresh! Refresh! Refresh! Noooo f**k! It’s 10pm, thread is closed. Where is Moses?”

"Thread closed, last bid d-a_BAT 31M! Did I get him? Hell yeah!!! I was dancing in front of my laptop at 11pm in Croatia LOL. My first time in the league, first auction and my first win. Victor Moses with a bargain 31M!"

That’s what FAFs will do to you d-a-BAT. The proverbial spanner for nut jobs and those with a screw loose – you’ll fit right in!

As d-a-BAT had alluded to, another key battle developing in the Auction House was that of the tussle between Big Boss and Recker over Andreas Christensen.

Seemingly cruising, Recker recalls:

“A few seconds before the end of the auction - I checked the current price again. I was in the lead.”

Until Big Boss drew for the Ghillie Suit and Intervention - Check Recker’s transformation:

"Looking good" ...

"F**k you Big Boss"...

"F**k you auction system" ...

“I calmed down a bit ...  ok, not too bad, 25m was my limit anyway, but  still...."

What Recker did not know was that Big Boss was about to become our first inductee to the ‘FAF F**ks sake’ Hall of Shame!


‘FAF F*ck’s sake!’

Bid Boss - A critical oversight cost FC Porto promising youngster Andreas Christensen

For every winner, there has to be a loser and ‘FAF F*cks Sake’ loves nothing more than to bask in the misfortune of others! So take a bow, Big Boss!

An uncharacteristic malfunction by the man known as ‘The Machine’ saw Big Boss pipped to the post literally and metaphorically for towering Chelsea youngster Andreas Christensen. The Machine had seemingly bettered Recker’s 25M bid as the clock struck 10pm, only to forget that stipulations for bids lodged within the last hour prohibited the inclusion of decimal points, thereby rendering his bid of 28.5M futile!

Big Boss had this to say:

“A small oversight cost me this lovely young player”

“We had not planned to go to Auction initially, but prices were within budget and a last minute move was made.”

“Unfortunately we had not picked up on the conditions (forbidding decimal bids within the last hour) – rest assured FC Porto will not make the same mistake again”

The Machine was last seen rebooting - Christensen joins Recker’s revolution at Aberdeen – enjoy!

Join us again next time for some more FAF'ing around!

Read 803 times Last modified on Wednesday, 17 May 2017 15:24