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Planes, Trains and Salesmen

Written by Kitchengun206

There's a few different types of folk that join us here at PEN; upper class, middle class, the young, the old, but mostly bums - Gutter trash bums. Socially retarted bums who never leave the comfort of their home unless they get the dreaded note from the postie inviting them to collect, what they think is Psycho Pinball for the Mega Drive only for it to actually be... an oversized, underpaid for, birthday card! What the actual fuck!?! 

But enough about me and my 'the one time I actually left the house' heroics because now and again someone comes along who not only braves the outside world but actually thrives in it, yeah... actually fucking likes it out there! To add to the likes of Captain BAT and Gino we have another Globetrotter . . . Miken!

Yes, today we are joined by Mikey; sounds like a young man doesnt it? Yo Mikey! Unfortunately Mikey isn't a young man, he's old as fuck and practically stares death in the face every time he has to use the bathroom!

If you would like to hear stories of how he survived World War 1, his favourite episodes of Last Of The Summer Wine and heroic tales of constipation, stay right here to find out...

Of course that is not what Mike is all about, sure his age of 56 might give you the stereotypical impression of a decrepit old man, but when he recently posted a selfie... my how we all hung our heads in shame - it was worse he was even older than we had politely expected!


God damn, he's older than I thought!

  The shame was real! 

But forget his age; he has travelled the world and has 18 men under him... :shifty: as he explains a little about his job:

"National Sales Manager - Managing 18 staff- I used to work in export and have been to these countries USA (50 times) Canada / Aus / Nz / Russia / Estonia / Finland / Norway / Sweden / Denmark / / Holland / Germany / Italy / Greece / Turkey / Malta / India / Hong Kong / Japan / China / South Africa / Cayman Isles / Domincan Rep / Trinidad / Panama / Colombia (used to run my own business too) - gave up travel when I met the wife (that is when life ended!)". 

"I used to lie to people and say that export is not as good as it looks - I was lying through my teeth - it was fucking awesome"

Wow that is awesome, he still has his own teeth! 

Unfortunately he got very uncomfortable when I started probing in relaton to his Columbian "sugar business" and his reasons for leaving the country...


No dust masks: I assume he left because of health and safety...

Although he didn't sharedetails of his time in Columbia with us he did have time to share a little of his experiences from travelling the world:

'I was once drunk and bragging to a bloke in a Business lounge at Boston airport and went on about me for about 30 minutes and was trying to "big up" what I did, then finally asked him what he did, to which he replied "I'm the President of Iceland!" to which I floundered and then ask what he was doing in the USA, he replied "I just had a meeting with Bill Clinton" who was then the President on the USA (I got my coat... sharpish)'

'My customer in Russia had a contract out on him from the Mafia and used to drive around with an open brief case and a Kalashnikov between the front seats; his bodyguard was genuinely 6ft 10in tall and seemed nearly as wide. His name was Valeri but I never had the nerve to tell him that was a girl's name where I came from. We once got stuck in a traffic jam and Valeri mounted the kerb and drove through a public park and every one had to get out the way (churned the grass, smashed into hedges you name it). Valeri NEVER spoke whenever I was in his company - but spoke perfect English'

'Part of the assessment process when opening an account is to look into custmer finances and my Russian customer said "Valeri collects the money" to which I replied "I'll just tick that box then"! Turned out he had been pumped with drugs as a child by the Russian government to make him into an Athlete (he was a real life Terminator)'

Now your wondering how a man of such experience found PEN, well, it was a horrid affair, a torturous time that no man, woman or living creature should ever have to endure; the thought of it sends shivers down my spine...

"I found PEN by watching Rambo on YouTube"

Arrgrggghhhhhhh!!!!! (Shit - don't tell Rambo FFS - he'll never let us forget!)

Once the nightmares eventually stopped, Miken returned and we continued with the probing only to find that he is a man (albeit a pretty old man) of simple pleasures:

'I live in the middle of nowehere near Wales and love hills and forests (have loads round here) am a scruffy country bum.pkin at weekends. 2 dogs and 3 cats. My ambition now is to be a calculated under acheiver (worked too hard in the past)'

Fair play to ya! A country lad, well travelled but also a gamer at heart as he's been playing since as far back as he can remember:

'Played Subbuteo and had Italia 90  / Sensible Sccer / Kick Off / Dino Dini (all Mega Drive in the 90's)'

And he's still playing now - he is 5th in the world, yes the World! In myClub SIM mode; not a bad feat at all Mr Mike. 

Work, travel, gaming what else do you need to know about Mikey? Well there is only one man who sounds as posh as Mike and that's Ben, but don't let the smartly spoken man make you feel dumb because is also one of the nicest fellas on site- not a bad word to say about anyone (ha, we'll give you 2 weeks on that one Mikey) and looks to get involved wherever he can, including organising the recent World Cup tournament to get us all in the mood for the Summer, unless you're Scottish... or Welsh.. still, a good gesture nevertheless. Meticulous attention to detail, an Admin in the making perhaps.

'Watched every detail of the 1974 / 78/ / 86 / 90 World Cups - always had a massive interest to learn more abut football outside the UK and bought World Soccer magazine before the internet'.

On horse back, Miken makes his way to Germany for the '74 World cup...

A traveller, a gamer, a football lover, what's not to like about Mike? That sums him up and in the process sums up this short but insightful look at one of our senior members. It goes to show, no matter how old you are, you're as old as you feel; I think we all hope once we get to his age we still have the drive that he and our other senior PENners have. 

To that I thank you Mike and I'm sure we are all dreaming of winning the World Cup! :D



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